Last.

Tonight, I quit smoking.

Oh, I know.

What a dirty little secret it's been, right?

What a tangled web I've woven.

Tell me about it. Le sigh.

About four years ago, I quit smoking a pack of Winston Lights a day. It was really, really hard. The detox was nothing like I'd ever experienced. I was literally out of my mind. Looking back, it all makes sense given, by that time, I had been inhaling tons of chemicals via 20 cigarettes a day for approximately a decade. The process took a few weeks and included a few relapses where I would go to the store, buy a pack of cigarettes, smoke a couple and then angrily crush and destroy the remaining cigarettes into a trash can. It was an emotional and physical war. I knew that I would never smoke like that again. Ever. And, I haven't.

What did eventually happen was this little habit I've come to refer to as the fucking monkey on my fucking back that won't leave me the fuck alone. Or, three cigarettes a day.

I smoke all-natural, 100% tobacco, organic American Spirits. I don't smoke in my house or in my car. I don't smoke in front of non-smokers (which means I usually smoke alone). I don't throw cigarette butts on the ground. I don't even have my first cigarette until after 4pm. These have been my rationalizations and reasons for not quitting.

All those scare tactics about 4,997,023,001 chemicals being added to cigarettes? Not doing it for me. My cigarettes are organic and contain nothing but tobacco leaf. I'm pretty sure they're free range, too.

Telling me that I'm being brainwashed by the man (aka Phillip Morris)? Cannot convince me to stop because the people that manufacture my cigarettes run a small company that practice sustainable agriculture, provide opportunities for employee growth and market their product responsibly.

SAVE YOUR LIFE! QUIT SMOKING NOW! propaganda? Seriously. I smoke three cigarettes a day. I exercise almost everyday. I eat a plant-based diet. Physical damage is being done, but all the studies and statistics are geared toward at least half-a-pack-a-day or more consumers, all usually living the Standard American diet and lifestyle.

I can apply this to the "Think of all the money you'll save!" excitement, too. My current habit costs me about $27 a month. After two months of not smoking, what? I can get a haircut?


These are the thoughts that have been justifying my smoking for the past three years. The bottom line is that, somehow, in my little psyche, I've managed to skirt the fact that, oh yeah, I DON'T WANT TO SMOKE.

BECAUSE IT'S NOT GOOD FOR ME.

BECAUSE IT CONFLICTS WITH MY LIFESTYLE.

I've been so busy poo-pooing anti-smoking proselytizing by altering my habit to suit that of a responsible smoker, that I've neglected to realize, THAT THERE IS NO SUCH THING.

Right.

I never said I was quick, but I think I'm on my way to figuring this one out.

So, three weeks ago, my mom and I signed up for a Freedom from Smoking program at a local hospital. As expected, we were met with a bunch of the scary-but-"educational" pamphlets and pictures and What to do Instead of Light Up lists. I ignored those and instead focused on my tendencies and habit. I did a couple questionnaires, determined what kind of smoker I am (a mix of Pleasurable Relaxation-er and Handler; sounds kinky!) and made a list of reasons why I want to quit. Really, these classes have been to force me to actually pick a quit day. To stop volleying between thinking about quitting and justifying not quitting.


And that's where I'm at. I threw away my pack in class tonight, saving one which I smoked around 1opm. Then, I remembered there was a loose one on the back porch, which I hungrily inhaled in under five minutes. But now, they're all gone.

I'm done.

I'm hoping, and truly believing, that this will not be anywhere near as hard as it was a few years ago. At the same time, I want to stay real and aware and know that there is a possibility that I will slip up on occasion. This is a process. I will get in it and I will enjoy it. Baby steps :)

St. Francis Feast Day

My simple garden.

Does St. Francis rock, or what?

The Saint of Ecology, He was the first saint to perceive that creatures communicate not only with their own kind, but also that there is communication between species. It sounds so simple: there must be a subtle bond between everything, right? We're all creatures of God/the universe/Mother Earth/whatever/etc., and so we're all connected.

"Francis was in awe of the swallow, the cricket and the wolf. 'Where the modern cynic sees something 'buglike’ in everything that exists,' observed the German writer-philosopher Max Scheler, 'St. Francis saw even in a bug the sacredness of life.'

"St. Francis of Assisi addressed creatures as 'sisters' and 'brothers,' that is, as equals, not as subjects to be dominated. " --via american catholic

Just as importantly, St. Francis recognized this synchronicity throughout all of ecology. Water and the moon are sisters, fire and the sun are brothers. The flower, the tree, the grass, the worm, the bird, the star, all are brothers and sisters, and all must be considered and respected. This philosophy is echoed throughout religions all across the globe, most strikingly for me in a beautiful letter from Chief Seattle: "All things are connected like the blood that unites us all. Man did not weave the web of life, he is merely a strand in it." St. Francis so believed in this web, that he even appealed to Brother Fire to be good to him when, in the last years of his life, the surgeon opened the veins between his ears and his eyebrows with a red-hot iron in an attempt to cure him of his eye ailment.

St. Francis was able to communicate this connection and peace because he lived a very simple life. Growing up, though he always had a sense of his discontent regarding his environment, St. Francis enjoyed the easy life that came along with being born into a well-to-do family. In young adulthood, after a stint in the army and an illness, he had several visions that prompted him to "give it all up,"and dedicate his life to God. He turned his back on his inherited wealth, and so his father, and renounced all property. (Similar to young Siddhartha's journey, yes?) This life dedicated to poverty however, was not about suffering or going without. It was about removing earthly bonds, cutting them off so that they didn't hold him back from his mission to spread the word of peace. It was by living this simple life that St. Francis could demonstrate the connectedness between human, creature and earth.

What a guy!

In his honor, I'm planning to reconnect with the simple things in my life and rededicate myself to the messages of love and peace. For me, the first step in that is securely connecting my mind, body and soul - a little detox, if you will - so that I can completely affix myself to my environment. This is a bit more personal that I usually get in this blog, but I'm putting it here in writing, so that it will be.

Happy Feast Day, St. Francis!

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

A big *MUAH to Stefanie Francis, who made St. Francis "our saint" :)

So why are we doing... all of this?

She, is amazing. For a lot of reasons. A ton, really.

Today though, she's amazing because when I told her, in a fit of awareness, that NONE OF THIS SHIT EVEN MATTERS - NONE OF IT!, it was not only something that she too benefited from hearing out loud, but also something to which she thoughtfully and beautifully added:

"You know... sometimes remembering that none of this matters is kind of sad. But sometimes... it's also kind of a relief."

Fuckin' a.

I love that girl.